As the Prime Minister of Canada I would like to apologize to Michael Ignatieff for portraying him as a Yankee when it has been our Conservative policies that mimic those of Republican America. In addition to this self serving behavior I admit we have been soft-soaping taxpayer money for partisan purposes and I apologize most unreservedly for treating governance as a gimmick with which to jimmy open the doors of majority territory while acknowledging that we will continue to do so in the future.
As the Prime Minister of Canada I apologize to the gun registry lobby for a failure to act and I vow to build a majority blockhouse from which to shoot dissenters with my illegal weapons and tiny smile. To Jack Layton I apologize for not growing a moustache myself. To gays and lesbians I ejaculate that our prior beliefs and statements were false and unkind. I apologize to the U.N. for undermining its mandate while asking for an increased role as if the world were indebted to us. And I apologize for my paranoia even though it isn’t paranoia because the world really is full of liberals and foreigners.
And I would like to apologize to the First Nations for apologizing and not meaning it. I would sincerely like to apologize for this death by a thousand cuts. I apologize for the tar sands, dirty oil, and for millions of dead ducks. I apologize for being the second Prime Minister from Calgary following a laissez-faire economic doctrine that inhibits egalitarian policy on every level. I apologize to Alberta for Alberta.
As, the Prime Minister of Canada, I would like to apologize for pretending to be an artist when I am a narrow minded economist with regressive social attitudes pinned to a strictly judgmental and religious fabric of punishment and venality.
And, lastly, I would like to apologize for being really damn boring except when I plunge the country into constitutional crisis for short-term political gain.
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Since we have a Prime Minister that likes to pretend he’s an artist
I think all artists should pretend to be Prime Minister.
The Right Honourable Kemeny Babineau
